Virus Hoax Spoof

I haven't had one of these for a long time, they plagued me in the mid to late 90's as well meaning friends, new to the internet, sent me alert after alert.

A friend sent me a hoax alert today, which prompted me to look up a spoof that I found around the time I was being pestered on a daily basis by these things.

I found a couple of variations of the spoof, and in the tradition of virus hoaxes have cobbled them together, made a few amendments, and turned it into my own.

Enjoy...

*** READ THIS, HAVE A GOOD LAUGH, BUT DON'T SEND IT TO ANYBODY AT ALL ***

will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogams your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your video recorder and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Lucozade into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit trousers and hide your car keys when you are late for work. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.

will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your petrol tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your credit card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of , it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around car parks so that you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bath. It will cause your toilet to flush while you are in the shower. It will make a batch of moonshine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase schoolchildren with your new snowblower.

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Craig Shergold is alive and well, and doesn't want any more cards!